Devotional September 2nd

How personal can we get today? Let’s go for extremely personal in the fact I did not tell my husband about this until about two weeks ago.

I refuse to operate a ministry about truth, light and deliverance without transparency. I can not share with you what I have learned and received without telling you the backstory. Buckle up.

October of 2019.

We had just moved to our first home, Eric was doing what he loved and what made him happy which made me happy, to an extent. Executive Chefs work a lot – I know this, 6 years in, it wasn’t my first rodeo – but this was another level, it was consuming his life – our life. We had just stepped into this new season and I was so excited for it and it turned out it was going to be hardest one we went through yet. I was pregnant with Frankie. All of our kids weren’t planned (minus Jack) but Frank was about as much of a surprise as Luke was.

I was so lost. Lost in motherhood. Lost in work, I had ended a season of my life I really enjoyed because of some contractual items in this new season and I didn’t know where to go next. Raising the kids, being a wife to a man who was never really home. He was different, I was different. It was lonely. I remember being surrounded by people but feeling completely alone. People were there, but not enough for me to say “I am going to break” and know that they could actually stop to help pick up pieces. I had become the ultimate afterthought and it was gut wrenching. Strong enough for no one to check on and everyone to know even if I broke, I would pick myself up again.

It was a Thursday night driving home from having dinner at my moms with all the kids, and I was crying. I had been ready to throw in the towel for weeks. I didn’t want to bring the baby into a world where his mom was barely hanging on and so depressed she was planning ways to off herself. I wasn’t really functioning the way a good mom should for the kids that were already here, how the heck could I add one more to the mix? I was in full mental breakdown mode. As I rounded the corner almost home I said out loud “I can’t do this anymore” in between what were now loud, uncontrollable sobs. “I don’t want to be here. I’m an awful mom, and awful wife, my kids and husband deserve better. I can’t do this anymore… I want out.”

I got out a quiet, sigh and said “if you need me here for some reason I need you to tell me right now. Because I can’t take anymore.”

I got one blink out to wipe the pile of tears pooled in my eyes just enough to open them back up to see a sign change to say two words.

Hold on.

The sobs started again and I said “Ok. I will. But I really need your help.”

I was full of every possible evil spirit (unbeknownst to me at the time) and had wounds so deep that I was trying to band-aid them and instead kept making them worse. The kicker? I loved God. I loved Jesus. And I was still broke.

That sign was my first lesson that hearing God doesn’t necessarily mean it is loud and voistrous echoing. It can be – but it isn’t always.

Some times it’s a flashing sign in the darkness telling you to hold on when every ounce of your flesh wants to give up.

That sign and those two words have taught me how to truly hear God, and see the beauty in the world. That sign for the next YEAR got me through every decision I had to make. I would ask, God would answer on that sign. It didn’t matter if I asked Him should I go left or right – He would answer on that sign. And the second I felt like giving up again He would tell me to Hold on.

That sign got me through the hardest season of my life. “Having it all on the outside” and being wrecked through and through on the inside.

Two words on that sign brought me here to the moment of this ministry. A ministry of deliverance from the very things that the devil thought he could quite literally end me with.

Won’t God do it though. The devil created wounds to deviate my life plan and God made an even bigger one out of it that will in turn destroy the devils evil plans in thousands and deliver them.

As that song played in my car today “Hold on I still need you, long endless highway you’re silent besides me, driving a nightmare I can’t escape from, helplessly praying the light isn’t fading…”

God reminded me asking for help isn’t a bad thing.

I don’t usually come on here and ask for help. But today I need it. That sign that God used to save me is in need of fixing. I am not the only one that received a life altering word from this sign. You all have supported and cheered for me on every path. And I’d like your help to give back to my local community – because God is not done using that sign.

If you feel it in your heart – or have an extra dollar or two please donate at the link in my bio (I’ll link it in the comments too) and select the “other” category. It won’t take much to fix. About $1500 I believe. I know there are more than 1500 of you in this space. If each of you gave one dollar, it could be easily fixed.

While this space continues to grow online and spread across the nation, this little home town of mine needs to see that flashing sign in a moment of darkness. Someone else needs the hope. The reminder, to just hold on, because we still need them.

,

Steph